Relationships

It took me many years to grasp the concept that relationships - all relationships - are ever-changing. I remember being hit by an image one day when I saw what this actually looked like in black & white form. The vision was startlingly clear and consisted of an actual, linear grid - very odd for an intuitive type (INFP in Myers Briggs language) - as I tend to think in organic, grey form.

Conceptually the realization went something like:

Relationships change from moment to moment, from year to year. When people interact with one another, a resulting sense of rapport is determined by a wide variety of factors including the nature or type of the relationship, the stage of the relationship, and internal and external influences. Joko a Japanese zen writer used the metaphor that you can only enter the same river once, as its flow and environment and the person entering the river will never be exactly the same again. So regardless of what has happened before, each encounter with someone is fresh, new and dependent on our ability to experience it in the moment.

This notion was an epiphany to me for two reasons.

One: Regardless of the fact we may share the same experiences, we are all applying our different lenses and filters resulting in unique images and understanding.

Two: Relationships are subject to constant evolution. We cannot take any one for granted. We can be heartened that although a relationship is experiencing difficulties at a given time there are many factors which can influence a positive outcome. And we must also realize that any positive relationship can be lost under the influence of these same factors. Relationships are not fixed. Nor are they guaranteed to last, to be good or bad, healthy or dysfunctional, inspiring or deflating. They simply are.

This was an important lesson at the time as I was coming to terms with the fact that you cannot trust everyone. As much as we would all love to be surrounded by loving, compassionate and harmonious interactions, that is not the world we live in. So, I came to understand that:

- All relationships are different and should be considered independently - even when they are part of larger groups

- The nature of relationship is fluid – no one will remain exactly the same over time as long as we open our minds, hearts and eyes to what is in the present

- Ideally, they are guided by our inner wisdom and balance, personal boundaries, mutual respect, and compassion

- Authentic engagement is based in truth, integrity and driven by a personal value system

- Neither person in an authentic relationship should be externally driven, reactionary nor accommodating at the expense of their own needs and values and shouldn't expect that of the other

These thoughts have been on my mind, as I focus on re-connection, and new connections as consciously as I can. It is amazing to see what were established childhood relationships in a whole new light. It's always enlightening to experience the deepening of friendships that last through difficulties, separation or geographic distance. And it's exciting to anticipate the next stage in all relationships whether foundational or brand new!